Would You Marry Yourself or Someone Like You?

Thursday, October 29th, 2009 | Best of MeadowLark | No Comments

Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring/Summer 2009 edition of MeadowLark, the alumni magazine of The Meadows.

Would You Marry Yourself or Someone Like You?
By Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC

Many magazines today offer practical advice and “how-to” strategies to pursue the man or woman of our dreams. Let’s face it: Sexy taglines and catchy subtitles make for good print copy, but they do little to help us build healthy, sound relationships. By projecting our wants, expectations or intentions onto our partners-to-be, we serve only to foreshadow the inevitable relational demise. It is as if we incorporate our obsolescence from the very start.

“How is that possible,” you may ask, “when I’m doing all the right things, paying close attention to selecting my partner, and looking at what he or she has to offer the relationship?” While I admit that these words sound counterintuitive, first consider this proposition:

Would you marry yourself or someone like you? Do you like the person you are – and that which you have to offer – enough to marry yourself?

Some time ago, I put this question to a client. In his plunge toward self-pity, he began to lament the state of his personal affairs, citing one futile relationship after another. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said with exasperation. He cynically sneered, “Just when I think I’ve found someone ‘special’ and things are going ‘swell,’ she leaves me. How does this happen that I pick women who cheat on me, time after time?”

That’s when I asked him to humor me, as I was about to ask a question that might sound strange. “Geez, no,” he answered. “I wouldn’t marry anyone like me!” He went on to state that he was amazed that anyone liked him at all. That response, or a variation of it, often followed when I posed the question to clients.

Courage to look at our own fallibility and dark sides goes a long way in building healthy relationships – not just in romance, but in all of our personal interactions. Knowing our dark sides involves embracing those aspects of ourselves that cause us shame or guilt. While our tendency might be to bury or dismiss the parts that we don’t want to acknowledge, this undermines the positive changes and inner strength we strive toward.

Initially, our tendency might be to assess what our partners bring to the proverbial party – without assessing what we have to offer. Are we emotionally available? Do we remain open to constructive criticism and risk being known, or do we defend ourselves into isolation, staunchly committed to our self-righteous deception? Is it okay to be lonely just as long as we are not “wrong”?

These are hard yet essential questions. Only when we like ourselves will we attract the same positive energy in others. The journey to know spiritual peace and fulfillment is an inside-out endeavor.

The first step begins with defining what we want to change about ourselves – and being honest about who we are. If we are too close for honest introspection, we can start by observing others’ behaviors. Those behaviors we find uncomfortable or unpleasant reflect our internal barometers. Essentially, by noting unlikable behaviors in others, we face reflections of our true selves.

Defining what we want to change takes an honest assessment of what we reject in ourselves. How often are we drawn to attractive people while believing, deep down, that we are not equally attractive? When we accept and love our own qualities, we form the strongest foundation for intimacy.

By taking that simple but profound step, we begin the enlightened journey toward inner peace and fulfillment. As propositions go, there is no better partner with whom to say “I do!”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DEBRA L. KAPLAN, MA, LAC, LISAC
Debra L. Kaplan is a practicing licensed therapist in Tucson, Arizona. She integrates her training with Pia Mellody into her work with CPTSD and co-occurring addictions.

Marriage in a Changing Society

Thursday, October 15th, 2009 | Best of MeadowLark | No Comments

Note: This article originally appeared in the Spring 2005 issue of MeadowLark, the magazine for alumni of The Meadows.

Marriage in a Changing Society
Pat Mellody

When I write about marriage, I am concerned that my views will appear negative and be viewed as relationship “bashing.” I believe that we suffer from our own hedonism and lack of personal discipline. I am deeply saddened by the apparent attitude that what we have, as a culture, is somehow permanent and that we will always be free. However, freedom is a two-edged sword: it gives us the right to think and act as we choose and to not have overt negative consequences as long as we stay within legal bounds. It is then the individual’s responsibility to behave in a way that is personally productive while maintaining the discipline to not jeopardize the society in which we choose to live.

I have been thinking about the how’s and why’s of marriage and I keep trying to under stand what has happened in my lifetime that has caused so many changes. I want to believe that there is an answer that will allow couples to court, marry and live happily ever after. This final phrase from many fairytales may now be more of a fantasy than it ever was.

The basic biological purpose of marriage is to provide for the preservation of the species by producing survivable offspring at a rate that at least replaces those that die. Looking at world population it is apparent that we have more than met this goal. There does not seem to be an “off” switch on the reproductive imperative. There does seem to be a temporary accelerator that increases the birthrate after major stressors like war, pestilence and famine strike.

The attitude toward maintaining an integral family with the traditional couple staying married (until death do us part) has greatly diminished. In our culture, for many, marriage is a temporary arrangement. In other cultures, staying together and producing children, still holds a strong influence. Some religions make the goal of a large family a basis for pride and status. In the third world, where child mortality is high, the original imperative still makes sense. Some cultures have adopted our attitude and now find them below the population replacement rate. Sub cultures within a country now are out-reproducing what had been the dominant group.

Is this bad? I doubt that there is intrinsic good or bad in the shift to a new dominant group. In any case, it seems to be where we are and there is little evidence we can or will make changes to preserve what some believe should be our norm. Change would require discipline and/or oppression. Most of us lack the former, and the latter is against everything for what we believe and stand. Xenophobia explains our fears. For many, our values are being challenged; and we each believe that the values we hold are correct, moral and in the best interest of all. Accepting that others have as much right to their beliefs as we do is a difficult journey.

I still believe we are capable of entering and maintaining a comfortable, stable relationship. It will not be the marriage of our fantasies. It will be a union that requires hard work, acceptance of one another, dedication to being a couple and the realization that although it takes two to make it work it only takes one to destroy it. We cannot expect much in the way of support from a society that seeks instant gratification and demands that the fantasy becomes real. The fantasy comes out of initial, often sexual attraction; the intensity of which blinds us to reality. We desperately want to believe that love conquers all and that areas of incompatibility will resolve themselves. Johnny Cash’s song ”Jackson” says, “We got married in a fever. . .we’ve been talking about Jackson ever since the fire went out.” In order to have a lasting relationship we must be able to stick to a commitment long after the initial flush of excitement has waned.

The journey is not for everyone. It does not seem like there are many who are willing to discipline themselves to adhere to the promises they have made. Having had three marriages myself, I certainly cannot say, “do as I have done.” There are couples that seem to make it in long-term marriages. It is sad to me that the number is small and the trend is downward. It is similar to recovery in that the opportunity is there for all, but those who succeed are among the fortunate few.

Twisters and Roller Coasters: Living with Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Thursday, October 1st, 2009 | Best of The Cutting Edge | No Comments

Note: This article was originally published in the CuttingEdge Spring/Summer 2009 Newsletter

By Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC

Not too long ago, a client who I was treating for prescription drug abuse, looked at me and said, “It’s my desperate need to silence my feelings that drives me to want to use.” She went on to describe what it felt like to live in her skin. “It’s as if the people in my life are at the controls of this rollercoaster called my life and I’m trapped and I can’t get off. I like or hate the ride based on how I feel about them at that moment; in my mind you’re either with me or against me. But I can’t fire them from the controls!”

Unbeknownst to this woman, she was verbalizing her underlying issue: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). For the uninitiated, CPTSD is classified as a long-term traumatic stress disorder that may impact a healthy person’s self-concept and adaptation. Exhibited symptoms include mood disorders (depression, manic-depression, anxiety); fear of real or imagined rejection or abandonment; and addictive, self-defeating behaviors including bulimia, anorexia, compulsive spending, sexual compulsivity, and perhaps self-injury.

In an effort to differentiate between psychosis and neurosis, the condition first was branded Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). New research and advances in studying chronic trauma’s effects on self-concept and psychological organization have yielded a more accurate approach to characterize exhibited symptoms.

Recurring bouts of emotional instability wreak havoc on the life of an individual struggling with this issue. Along with the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster comes confusion about one’s identity. An individual with CPTSD often wrestles with a persistently unstable self-image; like in a house of mirrors, one’s identity is rendered illusive and distorted.

Those who are familiar with CPTSD know all too well the chaos and havoc brought to bear upon relationships. In working with trauma complicated by emotional dysregulation, I have often likened the displays of impulsive rage to a cluster bomb. From one furious mass come multiple smaller submunitions. These emotional explosions neutralize any threat of real or imagined relational rejection, abandonment or disapproval. Loved ones who are idealized one day are devalued and rejected the next, relegated to the role of enemy – perhaps simply because an act of parting was interpreted as an act of betrayal. Some who struggle with CPTSD have co-occurring mood disorders that exacerbate internal stressors to the point of brief psychotic episodes.

Individuals with CPTSD often verbalize feeling wronged, misunderstood and empty. As is often the case, the trigger – be it internal or external – prompts attempts to self-medicate overwhelming emotions with alcohol or chemical dependence, acts of self- mutilation (cutting, burning, wrist-slashing), and even suicide attempts.

Historically speaking, the prognosis for CPTSD has been poor. Within the therapeutic community, clients who present with these symptoms have been branded unmotivated, hard to treat or, worse, noncompliant. The current belief – and one that I genuinely embrace – posits that a consistently supportive therapeutic relationship can become a healthy foundation that allows a client to begin to experience trust and safety. Much is still unknown about the post-traumatic condition, but continued advances in neurobiological, genetic, and social research have led to new treatments and psychopharmacological interventions that have proven successful in generating enduring, positive change.

The path out of the CPTSD maze begins with a gradual acknowledgement of the problem and a willingness to accept oneself. But what happens when one does not acknowledge the presence of a problem? Clearly, such denial undermines progress toward positive change. An individual’s need to shield himself from unacknowledged and overwhelming feelings exists until he is psychologically ready to see himself as he really is – and not who he wants to be.

Support for an individual’s attempts to break through denial is necessary for enduring progress to be made. The presence of a psychological struggle does not designate a bad or defective person. He’s done nothing to deserve it, much like a child does nothing to deserve the onset of juvenile diabetes. However, the individual is now living a reality of roller coaster emotions, unstable relationships, addictions, and feelings of emptiness. The cold, harsh fact is that the self-defeating behaviors and unstable self-worth are not likely to change until the person changes.

As with all physical and emotional distresses, there comes a moment when the status quo is no longer acceptable. The chaos or unmanageability of a situation necessitates asking for help and taking action. Perhaps the adage “being brought to one’s knees” applies here. An ensuing adjustment period, in which one comes to terms with a new reality, may not be immediate. However, a new perspective might arrive with a sobering blow to the denial – or with the quiet realization that life is eroding beyond one’s grasp. Self-acceptance can be attained perhaps only through small, sometimes imperceptible steps. In recovery speak, it is progress rather than perfection that guides us: “I am not a problem, but my behavior has become problematic!” I ask my clients, “Which would you prefer to be: resolutely right or resolutely happy?”

When one is living a life that, despite great efforts, no longer results in satisfying outcomes, it is time to look inward and ask the hard questions: “What am I doing that is no longer working? Harder yet, what am I prepared to do about it?”

Until that moment of introspection and committed motivation, little if any enduring change will occur. But the path out of the house of mirrors, and away from the emotional roller coaster, is the path to a new life.